OBSTACLES AND BARRIERS BEHAVIORS IN GROUP DYNAMICS

OBSTACLES AND BARRIERS BEHAVIORS IN GROUP DYNAMICS

The following questions can used to self-debrief your behavior in settings where personal communications are used to build relationships -- at work, at home, in a church, with a spouse and about any place where two or more gather. These are the common barriers and you may think of others or variations. It is often helpful to do this evaluation in a group and exchange your views to enhance learning about yourself. The value of this is to discover what you may be doing to shut off communications and find ways to improve your behavior.A second way to use these barriers is to just copy the heading and discuss each within a group. The number one barrier to communications is not listening. Different forms of this are at the end of the list.
(jump to listening barriers)

EXPECTATIONS:
Are your expectations of others or organizations a barrier? Do others know your expectations or do you just think they know them? Can you change your expectations or let go of them to be part of a group or a relationship? How would that feel? Did this in any way feel like giving up your "self" to be what the group wants you to be? This is probably the number one barrier to communications. Expectations are often not expressed to others and it is as if the other is expected to have a crystal ball and know what you expect.RISKING: What is a risk for you? How much do you risk in a communications setting? What keeps you from risking? Is it fear? If so, fear of what? Is it control? Control of what? Yourself or others or the group? Do you wish to risk more? What will it take to risk more?This is probably the top barriers in communicating authentically. Risk in communication often has this silent question: " If I risk myself and this is all I've got, what will happen if I am rejected?" Building communications with others authentically takes a degree of risk.AVOIDANCE: What did you do to avoid looking at yourself? Think about this. What was behind the avoidance? Fear of rejection? Fear of loss of control? Were you part of an avoidance "project"? What did the group do to avoid doing what it needed to do? Did group norms facilitate avoidance?Avoidance frequently is present when a person feels unsafe or is unsure if its safe. Many business meetings start with considerable avoidance and only in the last minutes does the group get to the real subject, and then often try a quick fix. Avoidance can become a habit.FIXING: Did anyone try to fix you? The group? How did that feel? Did you try to fix, heal or convert anyone or the group? Can you fix anyone other than yourself? How aware are you that this is often done, with good intentions and well-meaning but usually not wanted and unaccepted 90+% of the time? What is your level of acceptance of people just as they are?
Fixing is often trying to get the other to believe as you do or to do as you have done in a similar situation or to be more like you so you will feel more comfortable.

PROJECTS:
Most groups are creative in making projects that have something to do with avoidance. Can you name a project in your group? What do pseudo-projects represent in a group?Sometimes projects are things, sometimes people and often it's something completely outside the group and the room. Projects can be a way of fooling ourselves and have many of the characteristics of "organizing a group" and represent avoidance. They can be barriers to communications. Projects are sometimes necessary to help build safety and trust in groups. They can take the form of challenging the norms of a group or the written rules.SCAPEGOATING: Did you feel scapegoated? What did it feel like? Were you part of a scapegoating effort on another person?Scapegoating is often another form of avoidance or blaming or excluding. It may be an attempt to keep focus off of the person doing the scapegoating! It is seen in most family situations and in the workplace and is usually destructive to the personality.PROBING: Did anyone probe you for information? How did that feel? Did it create a barrier for you? If you were probed and did not like it, what kept you from confronting the prober? If you were the prober, why did you probe? Did it have anything to do with keeping the focus off of you?Probing can be avoidance of task or scapegoating if carried too far.SPEAKING IN CODE: If you were part of a subgroup of two or more people, did/do you speak with language that only those in the subgroup can understand? Can you understand how this is a form of exclusivity?This is often done without realizing it in all kinds of groups. It is not polite and keeps understanding low.CONTROL: Did anyone try to control you or what you said? How did it feel? Were you aware at any time that you were trying to control an outcome? If you tried to control, what was the reason? Was it to control what might happen to you? Did you notice others trying control?Most of us believe we have far more control than we actually do. Letting go of control and risking more may result in more love coming into your life.

BLAMING:
Did anyone blame you for what was or was not happening? How did that feel? Did you blame anyone? What was your motive for the blaming? Did it have to do with trying to make some other person responsible for your behavior? Did you experience blaming in your family of origin?Blaming can become an almost unconscious habit.

PLACATING:
Did you feel placated by anyone? Did you placate anyone? How does it feel to be placated?CHAOS AVOIDANCE: Do you run from conflict or avoid it in some way instead of trying to go through it? Do you leave a conversation when it gets too hot for you? (either actual or emotionally) How do you react to change?Another word for Chaos is change. People find many ways to avoid talking about change as it usually feels uncomfortable because of the unknown. Chaos can also mean conflict and many will do anything to avoid it. Chaos is one of the most certain things in life and it is well to learn how to embrace it.

SILENCE:
How comfortable are you with silence? Can you listen to yourself? To your source of spirit? Do you recognize respectful silence? Do you experience a silent time at home? What would it be like if you asked for some silence in your workplace during a meeting?Silence is an unused tool that is very effective in all kinds of ways. Scott Peck says in the Different Drum, "Silence is the primary key to emptiness." Also, "More than half of Beethoven's music is silence. Without the silence there is no music; there is only noise." Most people have little true silence in their lives, yet it provides considerable peacefulness.

EXCLUSION:
Did you feel excluded at any time? Did you exclude yourself? Did some person say anything that made you feel excluded? Was your feeling of exclusion accurate? Is this something that often happens to you? Did you exclude any person either by avoiding them, or emotionally tuning them out, or by making a judgmental statement? Did you later change the exclusion to inclusion?Think of how people are often excluded and why. It is often done as an unconscious act that may have been learned in the family or work place.

BOUNDARY OR BARRIER:
A boundary is often created for protection and should only be changed with considerable thought. A boundary "rule" is one you have originated that defines what is good or bad for you. A boundry may be a barrier to communication depending on what it is. Are you aware of any boundary you have that is a barrier to meaningful communications? Are you aware of any boundary that you want to change? How will you do that and how will you know if it is safe to change?Boundaries are accumulated during life for protection and become a learned method of existing. Boundaries need to be changed slowly and may be replaced with another boundary that offers more freedom until it becomes safe to "take the next step". Some people have few or almost no boundries and this often gets them into trouble. An example of this is a person that regulary offers far more information that is asked for by people they talk to. This becomes a turnoff to others and may result in other avoiding you.

LISTENING:
How well do you listen to what people say? Do you hear what is not said with words, but with emotions or body language? How about listening to what is not said? How can you listen with your whole being, body, mind, spirit and heart? There are many sub-barriers that come under Listening. Below are some.
Automatic Talking: Listening just long enough to find a word that you know something about. Then shut off the rest of what is being said, particularly the emotional content. Then start talking about the word you know something about. This blocks real communications by not hearing the total content. This is the most used form of blocking true communication. For more on this, see Automatic Talking Exercise.

SELECTIVE LISTENING:
This is when a person hears another but selects to not hear what is being said by choice or desire to hear some other message. This can take several forms and result in acting out in destructive ways. An example is to become passive agressive by prentending to hear and agree to what was said when actually your intent is to NOT act on the message, but make the other person think you will. Another form is to act on what you wanted to hear instead of what was said. Continued selective listening is one of the best ways to destroy a relationship.

BEING A "FIXER":
A fixer is a person that tries to fix another person's faults, problems or personality by offering what worked for them or a friend in a similar situatuon. Fixers often cut off others in the middle of a conversation without hearing the whole story to offer their fix. People overall do not like to be fixed and most suggestions for a fix will be disregarded and may result in anger toward the fixer.Using "You" or "We" statements instead of "I" statements. "I statements show ownership of what is being said. "You" statements are often a form of criticism. "We" statements often implies everyone within listening distance agrees with the statement which is not true. Its like you speaking for another person without their permission.Absolute Statements. These use such words as Never, always, forever, etc. and are often make a statement untrue. Use a less absolute word.Daydreaming. Letting your attention drift away. There are many causes of this and you can stop it by getting into the conversation and saying you are having a hard time staying with what is being said, without blaming. You may find out others are having the same difficulty and will do the same.Being right. This can take several forms. The most common is polite criticism of how a person speak or what they say or to insinuate that the person said it wrong. This can stop communication particularly with sensitive people. Many people have to learn how to communicate and can only do it by trying the way they know how.Derailing. (a form of avoidance) Changing the subject, or tell a joke, or point a finger at another person or try and turn a question around and back to the speaker.Name calling or belittling. This is hurtful and may make another feel foolish or stupid and they may exclude themselves from further conversation.Being the Reactor. On occasion, a person will attempt to get you to speak by trying to "hook" you to react. Swearing is a way of hooking some people. A good listener will continue to just listen and not react. This will often cause the person to stop trying to hook you if you keep it up long enough.